


0>s 




BOX AND COX. 

Goz Who are you, Hr % 

Box. If you come to that— who are yeti .» 



THE MINOR DRAMA. 

No. XXI. 



BOX AND COX. 

!2l Homance of Heal Cife 



IN ONE ACT. 



BY JOHN MADDISON MORTON, ESQ. 

ii 



WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS, COS- 
TUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, &c. 



NEW YORK: 
DOUGLAS, NO. 11 SPRUCE ST 

AND FOR SALE BY ALL BOOKSELLEKS. 

1848. 



6 






0^1 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Theatre, London, 1847. Olympic, 1848. Palmo't, 18*}. 
John Box, a Jo'jrncyman Printer, Mr. BucVstoiie. Mr. Holland. Mr. Povej'. 
James Cox, a Journeyman Hatter, " Harley. " Conovcr. " Cliapman. 

Mrs. Bouvetr, Mrs. M'Naraara. Mrs. HenTy. Mrs. Vernon 



COSTUMES. 

BOX. — Small STvallow-tailed black coat, short btjff waistcoat, light 
drab trowsers short, turned up at bottom, black stockings, white 
canvass boots with black tips, cotton neckcloth, shabby blaek hat. 

COX. — Brown Newmarket coat, long white waistcoat, dai'k plaid 
trowsers, boots, white hat, black stock. 

MRS. BOUNCER. — Coloured cotton gown, apron, cup, &c. 



First produced at the Royal Lyceum Theatre, November Ist, 1847 
Time in Representation — 35 minutes. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 

R, means Right ; L. Left; R. D. Right Door; L. D. Left Door ; 
S. E. Seco7id Entranee; U. B. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door. 

RELATIVE POSITIONS. 

R., means Right; L., Left ; C, Centre ; h. C , Right of Cenire ■ 
L. C, Left of Centre. 






BOX AND COX 



ACT I. 

Scene 1 — A Roo>n, decently furnished,. At c, a hcd, with 
curtains closed, at l. c, a door, at l. 3^ e., a door, at l. 
s. E., a chest of drawers, at back, R.. a window, at R. 3d 
E., a door, at r. s. e., af replace, tvith fnantel-piece, table 
and c7iairs, a few common ornaments on chimney-piece. 
Cox, dressed, with the exception of his coat, is looking at 
himself in a s?nall looking-glass, wliich is in his hand. 

Cox. I've half a mind to register an oath that I'll never 
have my hair cut again ! \^His hair is very short.^ 1 look 
as if I had just been cropped for the militia ! And I was 
particularly emphatic in my instructions to the hair-dress- 
er, only to cut the ends off. He must have thought I 
meant the other ends ! Never mind — I shan't meet any- 
body to care about so early. Eight o'clock, I declare ! I 
haven't a moment to lose. Fate has placed me with the 
most punctual, particular, and peremptory of hatters, and 
I must fulfil my destiny. [Knock at l. d.] Open locks, who- 
ever knocks! 

Enter Mrs. Bouncer, l. 

Mrs. B. Good morning, Mr. Cox. I hope you slept 
comfortably, Mr. Cox? 

Cox. I can't say I did, Mrs. B. I should feel obliged 
to you, if you could accommodate me with a more protu- 
berant bolster, Mrs. B. The one I've got now seems to 
me to have about a handful and a half of feathers at each 
end, and nothing whatever in the middle. 

Mrs. B. Anything to accommodate you, Mr. Cox. 

Cox. Thank you. Then, perhaps, you'll be good e- 
nough to hold this glass, while I finish my toilet. 

Mrs. B. Certainly. [Holding glass before Cox, who tics 
his craval.\ Why, I do declare, you've had your haircut. 

Cox. Cut '\ It strikes me I've had it mowed ! It's 
very kind of you to mention it, but I'm suflficiently con- 



BOX AND COX. 

scious of the absurdity of my personal appearance alrea- 
dy. [Puts on his coat.] Now for my hat. [Puis on ?iis hat, 
which comes over his eyes.] That's the effect of having one's 
hair cut. This hat fitted me quite tight before. Luckily 
I've got two or three more, [Gees in at lu., and returns, 
with three hats of different shapes, and puts them on, oj^e 
after the other — all of which are too hig for him.] This is 
pleasant ! Never mind. This one appears to me to wab- 
ble about rather less than the others — [Puts on hat,\ — and 
now I'm off! By the bye, Mrs. Bouncer, I wish to call 
your attention to a fact that has been evident to me for 
some time past — and that is, that my coals go remarkably 
fast — 

Mrs. B. Lor, Mr. Cox ! 

Cox. It is not only the case with the coals, Mrs. Boun- 
cer, but I've lately observed a gradual and steady increase 
of evaporation among my candles, wood, sugar, and luci- 
fer matches, 

Mrs. B. Lor, Mr. Cox ! you surely don't suspect me ? 

Cox. I don't say I do, Mrs. B.; only I wish you dis- 
tinctly to understand, that I don't believe it's the cat. 

Mrs. B. Is there anything else you've got to grumble 
about, sir? 

Cox. Grumble ! Mrs. Bouncer, do you possess such a 
thing as a dictionary ? 

Mrs. B. No, sir. 

Cox. Then I'll lend you one— and if you turn to the 
letter G, you'll find " Grumble, verb neuter — to complain 
without a cause." Now that's not my case, Mrs. B., and 
now that we are upon the subject, I wish to know how it 
is that I frequently find my apartment full of smoke ? 

Mrs. B. Why — I suppose the chimney— 

Cox. The chimney doesn't smoke tobacco. I'm speak- 
ing of tobacco smoke, Mrs. B. I hope, Mrs. Bouncer, 
you're not guilty of cheroots or Cubas 1 

Mrs. B. Not I, indeed, Mr. Cox, 

Cox. Nor partial to a pipe 1 

Mrs. B. No, sir. 

Cox. Then, how is it that — 

Mrs. B. Why — I suppose — yes — that must bo it — 

Cox. At present 1 ain entirely of yuiir opinion — he- 
cause I haven't the most dislaiif j)articIo ul an idea wliat 
you mean. 



noX ANU to.\. 7 

Mrs. B. Why tlie gentleman who has got the attics, is 
hardly ever without a pipe in his mouth — and there he 
sits, with his feet on the mantel-piece — 

Cox. The mantel piece ! That strikes me as being a 
considerable stretch, either of your imagination, Mrs. B., 
or the gentleman's legs. I presume you mean the fender 
or the hob. 

Mrs. B. Sometimes one, sometimes t'other. Well, 
there he sits for hours, and pufls away into the fiie-place. 

Cox. Ah, then you mean to say, that this gentlemati's 
smoke, instead of emulating the example of all other soits 
of smoke, and going up the chimney, thinks proper to af- 
fect a singularity by taking the contrary direction ] 

Mrs, B. Why— 

Cox. Then, I suppose, the gentleman you are speaking 
of, is tiie same individual that 1 invariably meet coming up 
stairs when I'm going down, atid goifig down stairs when 
I'm coming up ! 

Mrs. B. Why — yes — I — 

Cox. From the appeaiance of his outward man, I should 
unhesitatingly set him down as a gentleman connected 
with the printing interest. 

Mrs. B. Yes, sir — and a very respectable young gen- 
tleman he is. 

Cox. Well, good morning, Mrs. Bouncer ! 

]\[rs. B. You'll be back at your usual time, I suppose, 
sir ? 

Cox. Yes — nine o'clock. You needn't light my fire in 
future, Mrs. B. — I'll do it myself Don't fttrget the bol- 
ster ! [Col?isr, slops.] A halfpenny worth of milk, Mrs. 
Bouncei — and be good cnougli to let it stand — 1 wisli the 
ceam to accumulate. [E.riC at i.. c. 

Mrs. B. He's gone at last ! I declare I was all in a 
treml^Ie for feai Mr. Box W(juld come in befoie Mr. Cox 
went out. Luckily, they've never met yet — and what's 
more, they're not very likely to do so ; for Mr. Box is 
haul al work at a news})aper oRice all night, and doesn't 
<"onio home till the morning, and Mr. Cox is busy making 
hats all day long, and doesn't come home till night ; so 
thai I'm getting double rent for my room, and i, either of 
my lodgeis are any the wiser for it. It was a capital idea 
of mine — that it was! But I haven't an instant to lose. 
First of all, let me ])ul Mr. Cox's thing? out of Mr. Box':* 



8 f.'J.X AND COX. 

way. \S/tc talcs the three hats, Cox's dressing gown and 
sl)])j)ers, opens door at l. and puts them in, then shuts door 
and lorhs it\ Now, then, to put the key where Mr. Cox 
always fiiidd it. [Puts the key on the ledge (j^ the door, i,.] 
1 really must beg Mr, Box not to smoke so much. I was 
so dreadfully puzzled to know what to say when Mr. Cox 
spoke about it. Now, then, to make the bed — and don't 
let me foi-get that wliat's the head of the bed for Mr. Cox, 
becomes the foot of the bed for Mr. iiox — people's tastes 
do differ so. [Goes behind the curtains oj" the bed, and seems 
to be making it — then appears ivith a x'cnj thin bolster in 
her hand.\ 'I'he idea of Mr. Cox presuming to complain 
of such a bolster as this ! [She disappears again, beJtind 
curtains.] 

Box. \ Without.] Pooh — pooh ! Why don't you keep 
your own side of the staircase, sir 1 \Entcrs at back, dress- 
ed as a Printer. Puts his head out at door again, shout- 
ing.] It was as much your fault as mine, sir ! I say, sir — 
it was as much your fault as mine, sir ! 

Mrs. B. [Emerging from behind the curtains of bed..] 
Lor, Mr. Box ! what is the matter ] 

Box. Mind your own business, Bouncer ! 

Mrs. B. Dear, dear, Mr. Box ! what a temper you are 
in, to be sure ! I declare you're quite pale in the face! 

Box. What colour would you have a man be, who has 
been setting up long leaders for a daily paper all night ? 

Mrs. B. J3ut, then, you've all the day to yourself. 

Box. [Looking significant! tj at Mrs. Bouncer.] So it 
seems ! Far be it from me, Bouncer, to hurry your move- 
ments, but 1 think it right to acquaint you with my imme- 
diate intention of divcrfting myself of my garments, and 
going to bed. 

Mrs. B. Oh, Mr. Box ! [Going. 

Box. Stop ! Can you inform me who the individual is 

that I invariably encounter gf^>ing down stairs when I'm 

coming uj), and coming up stairs when I'm going down ? 

Dlrs. B. [Confused.] (_)h — yes — the gentleman in the 

attic, sir. 

Box. Oh ! There's nothing particularly remarkable 
about him, except his hats. 1 meet him in all sorts of hats 
— white iiats and black hats — hats with broad brims, and 
hats with narmw brims — hats with naps, and hats without 
na))s — in short, I have come to the conclusion, that he 



BOX AND COX. 

must be Jndivitlually and professionally associated with the 
hatting interest. 

Mrs. B. Yes, sir. And, by the bye, Mr. Box, he beg- 
ged me to request of you, as a particular favour, that you 
would not smoke quite so much. 

Box. Did he ? Then you may tell the gentle hatter, 
with my compliments, that if he objects to the effluvia of 
tobacco, he had better domesticate himself in some ad- 
joining parish. 

BIrs. B. Oh, Mr. Box! You surely wouldn't deprive 
me of a lodger 1 [Pdflictically. 

Box. It would come to precisely the same tiling, Boun- 
cer, because if I detect the slightest attempt to put my 
pipe out, I at once give you warning that I shall give you 
warning at once. 

Mrs. B. Well, Mr. Box — do you want anything more 
of me ] 

Box, On the contrary — I've had quite enough of you ! 

Mrs. B. Well, if ever! What next, I wonder ? 

[Goes out at L. c, slaintning door after her. 

Box. It's quite extraordinary, the trouble I always have 
to get rid of that venerable female ! She knows I'm up 
all night, and yet she seems to set her face against my in- 
dulging in a horizontal position by day. Now, let me see 
— shall I take my nap before I swallow my breakfast, or 
shall I take my breakfast before I swallow my nap — I 
mean, shall I swallow my nap before — no — never mind ! 
I've got a rasher of bacon somewhere — [Feeling in his 
pockets] — ^I've the most distinct and vivid recollection of 
haWng purchased a rasher of bacon — Oh, here it is — [P/v- 
duccs it, wrajjped in ^;«^;c/-, and places it on tahle.\ — and a 
penny roll. The next thing is to light the fire. Where 
are my lucifers ] [Looking on muntel-piecc r., and taking 
box, opens it.] Now, 'pon my life, this is too bad of Boun- 
cer — this is, by several degrees, too bad ! I had a whole 
box full, three days ago, and now there's only one ! I'm 
perfectly aware that she purloins my coals and my can- 
dles, and my sugar — but I did think — oh, yes, I did think 
that my lucifers would be sacred ! [Takes candlestick off the 
mantel-piece, r., in ivhich. there is a reri/ small end of candle 
— looks at it.] Now 1 should like to ask any unprejudiced 
person or persons their opinion touching this candle. In 
the first place, a candle is an article that I don't rffuire. 



10 BOX AND COX. 

because I'm only at home in the day time — an<3 I bought 
this candle on th<» first of May — Chimney-sweepers' Day 
— calculating that it would last me three months, and here's 
one week not half over, and the candle three parts gone ! 
[ Lights the fire — then takes down a gridiron, which is hang- 
ing over the fireplace, R.] Mrs. Bouncer has been using my 
gridiron ! The last article of consumption that I cooked 
upon it was a pork chop, and now it is powerfully impreg- 
nated with the odour of red herrings! \P1aces gridiron on 
fire, and then, with a forh, lays rasher of hacon on the grid- 
iron.] How sleepy I am, to be sure! I'd indulge myself 
with a nap, if there was anybody here to superintend the 
turning of my bacon, f Yatvning again.] Perhaps it will 
turn itself. I must lie down — so, here goes. [Lies on the 
ted, closing the curtains round him — after a short pause — 

Enter Cox, hurriedlij, l. c. 

Cox. Well, wonders will never cease ! Conscious of 
being eleven minutes and a half behind time, I was sneak- 
ing into the shop, in a state of considerable excitement, 
when my venerable employer, with a smile of extreme be- 
nevolence on his aged countenance, said to me — "Cox, I 
shan't want you to-day — you can have a holiday." — 
Thoughts of "Gravesend and back — fare, One Shilline," 
instantly suggested themselves, intermingled with visions 
of " Greenwich for Fourpence!" Then came the Two- 
penny Omnibuses, and the Halfpenny boats — in short, I'm 
quite bewildered ! However, I must have my breakfast 
first — that'll give me time to reflect. I've bought a mutton 
chop, so I shan't want any dinner. [P?</5 chop on tahle.] 
Good gracious! I've forgot the bread. Holloa! what's 
this 1 A roll, I declare ! Come, that's lucky ! Now, then, 
to light the fire. Holloa — [Seeing the lucifcr-hox on table,] 
— who presumes to touch my box of lucifers 1 Why, it's 
empty ! I left one in it — I'll take my oath I did. Hey- 
dey ! why, the fire is lighted ! Where's the gridiron 1 
On the fire, I declare ! And what's that on it 1 Bacon 1 
Bacon it is ! Well, now, 'pon my life, there is a quiet 
coolness about Mrs. Bouncer's proceedings that's almost 
amusing. She takes my last lucifer — my coals, and my 
gridiron, to cook her breakfast by ! No, no — 1 can't stand 
this! Como out ^f that.' \Pohcs fork into bacon, and puts 
it on a 2^^afc on the table, h(n places his chop on the gridiron. 



BOX AND COX. 11 

which he jiuts 011 the fire.\ Now, then, for my breakfast 
things. [ Tahing hey, hung up, i,, opens door l. and goes out, 
slatnmhg the door after him, with a loud, voise. 

Box. [Suddenly shotving his head, from behind the cur- 
tains.\ Come in! if it's you, Mrs. B(»uncer — you needn't 
be afraid. I wonder how long I've been asleep % [Sud- 
denly recollecting ?[ Goodness gracious — my bacon ! [heaps 
offhcd,andrnnstotheforepl,acc?\ Holloa! what's this ? A 
chop I Whose chop ] Mrs. Bouncer's, I'll be bound. — 
She thought to cook her breakfast while I was asleep — 
with my coals, too — and my gridiron! Ha, iia! But 
wherc's my bacon % [Seeing it on fahle.] Here it is. Well, 
'pon my life, Bouncer's going it ! And shall T curb my 
indignation 1 Shall I falter in my vengeance ? No ! [Digs 
the fork into the chop, opens window, and throivs chop out — 
f.hnts irindow again.\ So much fur Bouncer's bieakfast, and 
now for my own ! [ With the fork he puts the hacon on the 
gridiron again.] I may as well lay my breakfast things. — 
[Goes to mantcl-jjicre at r., takes key out of one of the orna- 
ments, opens door at r. and. exit, slamming door after him. 

Cox. [Putting his head in quickly at L.J Come in — come 
in ! [Opens door i,. c. Enters with a small tray, on which 
07 e tea tilings, ^v., which he places on drawers, i.. and sud- 
dcidy recollects.] Oh, goodness ! my chop ! [Running to fire- 
pdace.\ Holloa — what's this ] The bacon again ! Ob, 
pooh ! Zounds — confound it — dash it — damn it — I can't 
stand this ! [Pokes fork into hacon, opens windoiv, a,nd 
fingsit out, shuts tcindow again, returns to drawers for tea 
things, and encounters Box coming from his cupboard rvith 
his tea things — they walk doivn c. of stage together.] Who 
are you, sir ] 

Box. If you come to that — who are you ? 

Cox. What do you want here, sir ? 

Box. If you come to that — what do you want? 

Cox. [Aside.] It's the printer ! [Puts tea things on the 
drawers. 

Box. [Aside.] It's the hatter ! [Puts tea things on table. 

Cox. Go to your attic, sir — 

Box. My atlic, sir ? Your attic, sir ! 

Co.r. Printer, I shall do you a frightful injury, if you 
don't instantly le;)ve my apartment. 

Bor. Your apartment'? You mean ;«y apartment, you 
contemptible hatter, you ! 



l2 BOX AND COX. 

Cox. Yottr apartment ] Ha! ha! — come, I like that! 
Look here, sir — [Produces a paper out oj" his pocket^ Mrs. 
Bouncer's receipt for the last week's rent, sir — 

Box, [Produces a paper, and holds it close to Cox^sjace.] 
Ditto, sir ! 

Cox. [Suddenly shouting i\ Thieves ! 

Box. Murder ! 

Both. Mrs. Bouncer ! [Each runs to door, l. c, calling. 

Mns. Bouncer runs in at door, l. c. 

Mrs. B. What is the matter 1 [Cox and Box seize Mrs. 
Bouncer hy the arm, and drag her forward. 

Box. Instantly remoTe that hatter ! 

Cox. Immediately turn out that printer ! 

Mrs. B. Well— but, gentlemen — 

Cox. Explain ! [Pulling her round to Mm. 

Box. Explain I [Pulling her round to hiTn.\ Wht^se 
room is this 1 

Cox. Yes, woman — whose room is this 1 

Box. Doesn't it belong to me ] 

Mrs. B. No ! 

Cox. There ! You hear, sir — it belongs to me ! 

31rs. B. No — it belongs to both of you ! [Sohhing. 

Cox. if Box. Both of us 1 

Mrs. B. Oh, dear, gentlemen, don't be angry — but you 
flee, this gentleman — [Pointing to Box,^ — only being at 
home in the day time, and that gentleman — [Pointing to 
Cox,] — at night, I thought I might venture, until my little 
back second floor room was ready — 

Cox Sf Box. [Eagerly.] When will your little back se- 
cond floor room be ready 1 

Mrs. B. Why, to-morrow — 

Cox. I'll take it ! 

Box. So will I ! 

Mrs. B. Excuse me — but if you both take it, you may 
just as well stop where you are. 

Cox Sf Box. True. 

Cox. I spoke first, sir — 

Box. With all my heart, sir. The little back second 
floor room is yours, sir — now, go — 

Cox. Go ] Pooh-pooh ! 

Mrs. B. Now don't quanel, gentlemen. You see, there 
used to be a partition here — 



tos 



BOX AND COX. 13 

Cox if Box. Then put it up ! 

Mrs. B. Nay, I'll see if I can't get the other room rea- 
dy this very day. Now ilo keep your tempers. [Exit, l. 

Cox. AVhat a disgusting position ! 

[ Walking rapidhj round stagr. 

Box. [Sitting doivn on chair, at one side of tahle, and 
following Cox^s ?nov€7?icnt,i.] Will you allow me to ob- 
serve, if you have not had any exercise to-day, you'd bet- 
ter go out and take it. 

Cox. I shall not do anything of the sort, sir. 

[Seating hijnself at the table opposite Box. 

Box. Very well, sir. 

Cox. Very well, sir! However, don't let me prevent 
you from going out. 

5p. Don't flatter yourself, sir. [Coxis about to break a 
J?iece of the roll off.\ Holloa ! that's my roll, sir — [Snatches 
it away — puts a pipe in his mouth, ligJits it with a piece 
of tinder — and puffs smoke across to Cox. 

Cox. Holloa ! What are you about, sir 1 

Box. What am I about ? I'm about to smoke. 

Cox. Wheugh ! [Goes and opens windoic at Box's back. 

Box. Hollo ! [ Turns round.] Put down that window, sir ! 

Cox. Then put your pipe out, sir ! 

Box. There ! [Puts pipe on table. 

Cox. There ! [Sla?ns doicn icindow, and re-scats himself. 

Box. I shall retire to my pillow. [Goes up, takes off his 
jacket, then goes towards bed, and sits upon it, L. c. 

Cox. \ Jumps up, goes to bed, and sits down on R. ff Box.] 
I beg your pardon, sir — I cannot allow any one to rum- 
ple my bed. [BotJt rising.] 

Box. Your hed 1 Hark ye, sir — can you fight 1 

Cox. No, sir. 

Box. No ? Then come on — [Sparring at Cox. 

Cox. Sitdown, sir — or I'll instantly vociferate "Police !" 

Box. [Seats himself- — Cox does the same.] I say, sir 

Cox. Well, sir 1 

Box. Although we are doomed to occupy the same 
room for a few hours longer, I don't see any necessity for 
our cutting each other's throats, sir. 

Cox. Not at all. It's an operation that I should deci- 
dedly object to. 

Box. And, after all, I've no violent animosity to you, sir. 

CW. Nor have I any rooted antipathy to you, sir. 



14 BOX AND COX. 

Box. Besides, it was all Mrs. Bouncer's fault, sir. 

Cox. Entirely, sir. [Gradually approaching chairs.^ 

Box. Very well, sir ! 

Cox. Very well, sir ! \Pause.\ 

Box. Take a bit of roll, sir ? 

Cox. Thank ye, sir. [Breaking a hit off. Pause.\ 

Box. Do you sing, sir ? 

Cox. I sometimes join in a chorus. 

Box. Then give us a chorus. [Pause.] Have you seen 
the Bosjemans, sir ? 

Cox. No, sir — my wife wouldn't let me. 

Box. Your wife ! 

Cox. That is — my intended wife. 

Box. Well, that's the same thing ! I congratulate you ! 
[Shaking hands.] 

Cox. [With a deep sigh.] Thank ye. [Seeing Box about 
to get uj).] You needn't disturb yourself, sir. She won't 
come here. 

Box. Oh ! I understand. You've got a snug little es- 
tablisliment of your own here — on the sly — cunning dog 
— [Nudging Cox.] 

Cox. [Drawing himself u]).] No such thing, sir — I re- 
peat, sir — no such thing, sir, but my wife — 1 mean, my 
intended wife — happens to be the proprietor of a consid- 
erable number of bathing machines 

Box. [Su.ddenli/.] Ha ! Where 1 [Grasping Cox's ai-m.] 

Cox. At a favorite watering-place. How curious you are ! 

Box. Not at all. Well 1 

Cox. Consequently, in the bathing season — which luck- 
ily is rather a long one — we see but little of each other ; 
but as that is now over, I am daily indulging in the ex- 
pectation of being blessed with the sight of mij beloved. 
[Very seriously.] Are you married 1 

Box. Me ? Why — not exactly ! 

Cox. Ah — a happy bachelor ? 

Box. Why — not — precisely ! 

Cox. Oh ! a — widower ? 

Box. No — not absolutely ! 

Cox. You'll excuse me, sir — but, at present, I don't 
exactly understand how you can help being one of the 
ihrce. 

Box. Not help it ? 

Cox. No, sir — not you, nor any other man alive ! 



Box AND COX. 15 

Box. Ah, that may be — but I'm not alive ! 

Cox. [Pushing hack his chai?\] You'll excuse me, sir — 
but I don't like joking upon such subjecls. 

Box. I'm perfectly serious, sir. I've been defunct for 
the last three years ! 

Cox. [kShouting.] Will you be quiet, sir 1 

Box, if you won't believe me, I'll refer you to a very 
large, numerous, and respectable circle of disconsolate 
friends. 

Cox. My dear sir — my vcri/ dear sir — if there does ex- 
ist any ingenious contrivance whereby a man on the eve 
of committing matrimony can leave this world, and yet 
stop in it, I shouldn't be sorry to know it. 

Box. Oh ! then 1 presume I'm not to set you down as 
being fiantically attached to your intended 1 

Cox. Why, not exactly; and yet, at present, I'm only 
aware of one obstacle to my doating upon her, and that is, 
that I can't abide lier ! 

Box. Then there's nothing more easy. Do as I did. 

Cox. \Eagerhj.] I will ! What was it 1 

Box. Drown yourself! 

Cox. \ Shouting agaiji.] Will you be quiet, sir ? 

Box. Listen to me. Three years ago it was my misfor- 
tune to captivate the affections of a still blooming, though 
somewhat middle-aged widow, at Ramsgate. 

Co.v. [Aside.] Singular enough ! Just my case three 
months ago at Margate. 

Box. Well, sir, to escape her'importunities, I came to the 
determination of enlisting into the Blues, or Life Guards. 

Cox. [Aside] So did L How very odd ! 

Box. But they wouldn't have me — they actually had 
the effrontery to say that I was too short — 

Cox. [Aside.] And 1 wasn't tall enough ! 

Box. So I was obliged to content myself with a march- 
ing regiment — I enlisted ! 

Cox. [Aside.] So did L Singular coincidence ! 

Box. I'd no sooner done so, than I was sorry for it. 

Cox. [Aside.] So was I. 

Box. My infatuated widow offered to purchase my dis- 
charge, on condition that I'd lead her to the altar. 

Cox. [Aside.] J ust my case ! 

Box. 1 hesitated — at l;>st 1 consented. 

Cox. ^ Aside] 1 consented at once ! 



16 BOX AND COX. 

Box. Well, sir — the day fixed for the happy ceremony 
at length drew near — in fact, too near to be pleasant — so 
1 suddenly discovered that I wasn't worthy to possess Irer, 
and 1 told her so — when, instead of being flattered by the 
compliment, she flew upon me like a tiger of the female 
gender — I rejoined — when suddenly something whizzed 
past me, within an inch of my ear, and shivered into a 
thousand fragments against the mantel-piece — it was the 
slop-basin. I retaliated with a tea-cup — we parted, and 
the next morning I was served with a notice of action for 
breach of promise. 

Cox. Well, sir 1 

Box. Well, sir — ruin stared me in the face — the action 
proceeded against me with gigantic strides — I took a des- 
perate resolution — I left my home early one morning, with 
one suit of clothes on my back, and another tied up in a 
bundle, under my arm — I arrived on the cliffs — opened 
my bundle — deposited the suit of clothes on the very verge 
of the precipice — took one look down into the yawning 
gulph beneath me, and walked off" in the opposite direction. 

Cox. Dear me ! I think I begin to have some slight per- 
ception of your meaning. Ingenious creature! You 
disappeared — the suit of clothes were found — 

Box. Exactly — and in one of the pockets of the coat, 
or the waistcoat, or the pantaloons — I forget which — 
there was also found a piece of paper, with these affecting 
farewell words : " This is thy work, oh, Penelope Ann !" 

Cox. Penelope Ann ! [Staffs up, takes Box by the arm, 
and leads him slowlj/ to front of stage.] Penelope Ann ] 

Box. Penelope Ann ! 

Cox. Originally widow of William Wiggins ? 

Box. Widow of William Wiggins ! 

Cox. Proprietor of bathing machines 1 

Box. Proprietor of bathing machines ! 

Cox. At Margate 1 

Box. And Ramsgate ! 

Cox. It must be she ! And you, sir — you are Box— 
the lamented, long lost Box ! 

Box. I am ! 

Cox. And I was about to marry the interesting creatuio 
you so cruelly deceived. 

Box. Ha! then you are Cox? 

Cox. I am ! ^.'.. 



nox AND cox. 17 

Box. I heard of it. I congratulate you — I give you 
joy ! And now, I think I'll go and take a stroll. [Going. 

Cox. No you don't! [Stopping hiin.^ I'll not lose sight 
of you till I've restored you to the arms of your intended. 

Box. Ml/ intended 1 You mean i/our intended. 

Cox. No, sir — yours ! 

Box. Ffow can she be ???// intended, now that I'm 
drowned 1 

Cox. You're no such thing, sir ! and I prefer present- 
ing you to Penelope Ann. 

Box. I've no wish to be introduced to your intended. 

Cox. I\lij intended ? How can that be, sir 1 You pro- 
posed to her first ! 

Box. What of that, sir 1 1 came to an untimely end, 
and you popped the (juestion afterwards. 

Co.r. Very well, sir ! 

Box. Very well, sir ! 

Cox. You are much more woithy of her than I am, sir. 
Permit me, then, to follow the generous impulse of my 
nature — I give her up to you. 

Box. Benevolent being ! I wouldn't rob you for the 
world ! [Goi-ng.] Good morning, sir ! 

Cox. [Seizing hiin.\ Stoj) ! 

Box. Unhand me, hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb 
and assume tlie lion ! 

Cox. Pooh ! [Snapjnng his ^fingers close to Box's Jlire. 

Box. An insult ! to my very face — under my very nose ! 
[Rubbing it.] You know the consequences, sir — instant 
satisfaction, sir ! 

Cox. With all my heart, sir ! [ They go to fireplace, r., 
and begin ringing bells violentli/, and pull down bcll-ptdls. 

Both. Mrs. Bouncer! Mrs. Bouncer I 

Mrs. Bouncf-r runs in, l. c. 

Mrs. B. What is it, <rentlemen ] 

Box. Pistols for two ! 

Mrs. B. Yes, sir. [Going. 

Cox. Stop ! You don't mean to say, thoughtless and 
imprudent woman, that you keep loaded fire-arms in the 
house ? 

Mrs. B. Oh, no — they're not loaded. 

Cox. Then produce the murderous weapons instantly ! 

[ Exit ]\Ls. Bouncer, i.. c. 



18 BOX AND COX. 

Box. I say, sir ! 

Cox. Well, sir 1 

Box. What's your opinion of duelling, sir 1 

Cox. I think it's a barbarous practice, sir. 

Box. So do I, sir. To be sure, I don't so much object 
to it when the pistols are not loaded. 

Cox. No : I dare say that Joes make some difference. 

Box. And yet, sir — on the other hand — doesn't it strike 
you as rather a waste of time, for two people to keep fir- 
ing pistols at one another, with nothing in 'em 1 

Cox. No, sir — not more than any other harmless recrea- 
tion. 

Box. Hark ye ! Why do you object to marry Pene- 
lope Ann ? 

Cox. Because, as I've observed already, I can't abide 
her. You'll be very happy with her. 

Box. Hajipy ! Me! With the consciousness that I have 
deprived i/ou of such a treasure 1 No, no. Cox ! 

Cox. Don't think of me. Box — I shall be sufficiently 
rewarded by the knowledge of my Box's happiness. 

Box. Don't be absurd, sir ! 

Cox. Then don't you be ridiculous, sir! 

Box. I won't have her! 

Co.T. I won't have her ! 

Bo.T. I have it ! Suppose we draw lots for the lady — 
eh, Mr. Cox 1 

Cox. That's fair enough, Mr. Box. 

Box. Or, what say you to dice 1 

Cox. With all my heart ! Dice, by all means — \Eager- 
hj.] 

Box. \Aside.\ 1 hat's lucky ! Mrs. Bouncer's nephew 
left a pair here yesterday. He sometimes persuades me 
to have a throw for a tiifle, and as he always throw? sixes, 
I suspect they are good ones. \^Gocs to the cujihoard at R., 
and })rings out the dice-hox.. 

Cox. [Aside.] I've no objection at all to dice. I lost 
one pound, seventeen and sixpence, at last Barnet Races, 
to a very gentlemanly looking man, who had a most pecu- 
liar knack of throwing sixes ; 1 suspected they were loaded, 
so I gave him another half-crown, and he gave me the 
dice. [ Takes dice out of his jpochet — xtses ludfer box as substi- 
tute for dice-hox, which is on table. 

Box. Now then, sir ! 



BOX AND COX. 19 

Cox. I'm ready, sir ! [ They seat themselves at ojyposite 
sides of the table.] Will you lead off, sir? 

Box. As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, 
wins Penelope Ann 1 

Cox. Of course, sir. 

Box. Very well, sir ! 

Cox. Very well, sir ! 

Box. [ Rattling dice and throwing.] Sixes ! 

Cox. That's not a bad throw of yours, sir. [Rattling dice 
— throivs.] Sixes ! 

Box. That's a pretty good one of your's, sir. [ Throws.] 
Sixes ! 

Cox. I Throws.] Sixes ! 

Box. Sixes ! 

Cox. Sixes ! 

Box. Sixes ! 

Cox. Sixes ! 

Box. Those are not bad dice of yours, sir. 

Cox. Your's seem pretty good ones, sir. 

Box. Suppose we change ? 

Cox. Very well, sir. \They change dice. 

Box. \Throtoi7ig.\ Sixes ! 

Cox. Sixes ! 

Box. Sixes ! 

Cox. Sixes ! 

Box. [Flings doxcn the dice!] Pooh ! It's perfectly ab- 
surd, your going on throwing sixes in this sort of way, sir. 

Cox. I shall go on till my luck changes, sir ! 

Box. Let's try something else. I have it ! Suppose 
we toss for Penelope Ann ? 

Cox. The very thing I was going to propose ! 
[They each turn aside and take out a handful of money. 

Box. [Aside, examining money.] Where's my tossing 
shilling ] Here it is ! [Selecting coin. 

Cox. [Aside, examining money.] Where's my lucky six- 
pence ] I've got it ! 

Box. Now then, sir, — heads win 1 

Cox. Or tails lose — whichever you prefer. 

Box. It's the same to me, sir. 

Cox. Very well, sir. Heads, I win, — tails, you lose. 

Bor. Yes — [Suddenly] — no. Heads win, sir. 

Cox. Very well — go on ! 

[ They arc standing opposite to each other* 



20 BOX AND COX. 



Box. [Tossing. 
Cox, [Tossing. 
Box. \Tossii 



Cox. [Tossin 



Heads ! 
Heads ! 
Heads ! 
.^.j Heads ! 
Box. Ain't you rather tired of turning up heads, sir ? 
Cox. Couldn't you vary the monotony of our proceed- 
ings by an occasional tail, sir % 
Box. [ Tossing.] Heads ! 
Cox. [ Tossing.] Heads ! 

Box. Heads % Stop, sir ! Will you permit me — [ Taking 
Cox's sixpence.] Holloa ! your sixpence has got no tail, 
sir ! 

Cox. [Seizing Box's s?uUing.] And your shilling has got 
two heads, sir ! 
Box. Cheat ! 

Cox. Swindler ! [ They arc about to rush upon each other, 
then retreat to some distance, and commence sparring, and 
striking fiercely at one another.] 

Enter Mrs. Bouncer, l. h. c. 

Box 4* Cox. Is the little back second floor room ready ? 

Mrs. B. Not quite, gentlemen. I can't find the pistols, 
but I have brought you a letter — it came by the General 
Post yesterday. I'm sure 1 don't know how I forgot it, 
for I put it carefully in my pocket. 

Cox. And you've kept it cai'efully in your pocket ever 
since ] 

Mrs. B. Yes, sir. I hope you'll forgive me, sir. [Going.] 
By the bye, I paid twopence f)r it. 

Cox. Did you ? Then I do forgive you. [Exit M^s B. 
[hooking at letter.] "Margate," The post-mark decidedly 
says " Margate." 

Box. Oh, doubtless a tender epistle from Penelope Ann. 

Cox. Then read it, sir. [Ilandif/g letter to Box.] 

Box. Me, sir 1 

Cox. Of course. You don't suppose I'm going to read 
a letter from your intended \ 

Box. My intended 1 Pooh ! It's addressed to you — 
C. O. X. ! 

Cox. Do you think tliat's a C. 1 It loo' s to me like a B, 

Box. Nonsense ! Fracture the seal ! 

Cox. [Opens letter — starts.] Goodness gracious ! 



BOX AND COX. 21 

Box. [SnafcJiing letter — starts^ Gracious goodness ! 

Cox. [ Talcing letter again.] " Margate — May the 4th. 
Sir, — I hasten to convey to you the intolligence of a mel- 
ancholy accident, which has bereft you of your intended 
wife." He means your intended ! 

Box. No, yours .' However, it's perfectly immaterial — 
but she unquestionably was yours. 

Cox. How can that be 1 You propossd to her first ! 

Box. Yes, but then you — now don't let us begin again 
— Go on. 

Cox. [Resuming letter.] " Poor Mrs. Wiggins went out 
for a short excursion in a saiHng boat — a sudden and vio- 
lent squall soon after took place, which, it is supposed, 
upset her, as she was found, two days afterwards, keel 
upwards." 

Box. Poor woman ! 

Co.x. The boat, sir ! [Reading.] " As her man of busi- 
ness, I immediately proceeded to examine her papers, 
amongst which I soon discovered her will ; the following 
extract from which will, I have no doubt, be satisfactory 
to you. ' I hereby bequeath my entire property to my 
intended husband.' " Excellent, but unhappy creature ! 
[Affected.] 

Box. Generous, ill-fated being ! [Affected.] 

Co.v. And to think that 1 tossed up for such a woman ! 

Box. When I remember that I staked such a treasure 
on the hazard of a die ! 

Cox. I'm sure, Mr. Box, I can't sufficiently thank you 
for your sympathy. 

Box. And I'm sure, Mr. Cox, you couldn't feel more, if 
she had been your own intended ! 

Cox. If she'd been ?}iy oxv7i intended 1 She ivas my 
own intended ! 

Box. Your intended 1 Come, I like that ! Didn't you 
very properly observe just now, sir, that I proposed to 
her first ? 

Cox. To which you very sensibly replied, that you'd 
come to an untimely end. 

Box. I deny it ! 

Cox. I say you have ! 

Box. The fortune's mine ! 

Cox. Mine ! 

Box, I'll have it ! 



22 BOX AND COX. 

Cox. So will I ! 

Box. I'll go to law ! 

Cox. So will I ! 

Box. Stop — 'a thought strikes me. Instead of going to 
law about the property, suppose we divide it. 

Cox. Equally 1 

Box. Equally. I'll take two thirds. 

Cox. That's fair enough — and I'll take three fourths. 

Box. That won't do. Half and half ! 

Cox. Agreed ! There's my hand upon it 

Box. And mine. [Ahout to shake hands — a Postmaii'a 
knock heard at street door. 

Cox. Holloa ! Postman again ! 

Box. Postman yesterday — postman to-day. — 

Enter Mrs. Bouncer. 

Mrn. B. Another letter, Mr. Cox — twopence more ! 

Cox. I forgive you again ! [Taking letter^ Another trifle 
from Margate. [Opens the letter — starts.] Goodness gra- 
cious ! 

Box. [Snatching letter — starts.] Gracious goodness ! 

Cox. [Snatching letter again — reads.] " Happy to in- 
form you — false alarm" — 

Box. [Ocerlooking.] " Sudden squall — boat upset — Mrs. 
Wiggins, your intended" — 

Cox. " Picked up by a steamboat" — 

Box. " Carried into Boulogne" — 

Cox. " Returned here this morning" — 

Box. " Will start by early train, to-morrow" — 

Cox. " And be with you at ten o'clock, exact." 

[Both sifnuJtaneouslj/ pull out their watches. 

Box. Cox, I congratulate you — 

Cox. Box, I give you joy ! 

Box. I'm sorry that most important business of the Co- 
lonial Office will prevent my witnessing the truly happy 
meeting between you and your intended. Good morn- 



ing 



\Goin< 



Cox. [Stojjping him.] It's obviously for me to retire. — 
Not for worlds would I disturb the rapturous meeting be- 
tween you and your intended. Good morning! 

Box. You'll excuse me, sir — but our last arrangement 
was, that she was your intended. 



HOX AND OOX. 2'S 

Cox. No, yours ! 
Box. Yours ! 
Together. Yours ! 

[ Ten o'clock strikes — noise of an omnibus. 
Box. Ha ! What's that ] A cab's drawn up at the 
door! [Running to windoiv.] No — it's a twopenny omni- 
bus ! 

Cox. \Leatiing over Box's shoulder.] A lady's got out — 
Box. There's no mistaking that majestic person — it's 
Peneh)pe Ann ! 

Cox. Vour intended ! 

Box. Yours ! 

Cox. [Both run to door, l. c, and eagerly listen. 

Box. Hark — she's coming up stairs ! 

Cox. Shut the door! 

[They slam the door, and hoth lean vp against it with, 
their bucks. 
jyirs. B. [ Without, and knocking.] Mr. Cox ! Mr. Cox I 
Cox. [ Shouting. \ I've just stepped out ! 
Box. So have I ! 

3Irs. B. Mr. Cox ! [Pushing at the door — Cox and Box 
redouhh their efforts to keep the door shut.] Open the door I 
Tt's only me — Mrs. Bouncer ! 

Cox. Only you 'if Then where's the lady 1 
Mrs. B. Gone ! 
Cox. Upon your honour 1 
Box. As a gentleman ? 

Mrs. B. Yes, and she's left a note for Mr. Cox. 
Cox. Give it to me ! 
Mrs. B. Then open the door! 

Cox. Put it under ! [Aletter is put tinder the door ; Cox 
picks up the letter, and opens it.] Goodness Gracious ! 

Box. [Snatching letter.] Gracious Goodness ! [Cox 
snatches the letter, and runs for tear d, followed by Box. 
Cox. [Reading.] " Dear Mr. Cox, pardon my candor" — 
Box. [Looking over, and reading.] " But being convinced 
that our feelings, like our ages, do not reciprocate" — 
Cox. " I hasten to apprise you of my immediate union" — 
Box. " With Mr. Knox." 
Cox. Huzza ! 
Box. Three cheers for Knox ! Ha, ha, ha ! 



24 



BOX AND COX. 



[ Tosses tJie letter in the air, and begins dancing. Cox 
does the same. 

Mrs. B. [Putting her head in at door.] The little second 
floor back room is quite ready ! 
Cox. I don't want it ! 

Box. No more do I ! 

Cox. What shall part us ? 

Box. What shall tear us asunder T 

Cox. Box! 

Box. Cox ! [About to embrace — Box stops, seizes Cox's 
hand, and looks eagerly in hisjace.] You'll excuse the ap- 
parent insanity of the remark, but the more I gaze on 
your features, the more I'm convinced that you're my long 
lost brother. 

Cox. The very observation I was going to make to you ! 

Box. Ah — tell me — in mercy tell me — have you such a 
thing as a strawberry mark on your left arm 1 

Cox. No! 

Box. Then it is he ! [ They rush into each other's arms. 

Cox. Of course we stop where we are ? * 

Box. Of course ! 

Cox. For, between you and me, I'm rather partial to 
this house. 

Box. So am I — I begin to feel quite at home in it. 

Cox. Everything so clean and comfortable — 

Box, And I'm sure the mistress of it, from wliat I have 
seen of her, is very anxious to please. 

Cox. So she is — and 1 vote, Box, that we stick by her. 

Box. Agreed ! There's my hand upon it — join but 
your's — agree that the house is big enough to hold us both, 
then Box — 

Cox. And Cox — 

Both. Are satisfied ! [ The Curtain Falls. 



THE END. 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



014 528 463 6 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 528 463 6 f 



